Posted by Most days I feel like I’ve got all the responsibilities of being a mom under control.
But then there are THOSE days.
The ones where I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by the never ending to-do list running in my head that comes with having kids.
The invisible mental load of motherhood.
Sometimes it just sneaks up on me like, “We’re running out of towels, need to clean out clothes that don’t fit and buy kids shorts and shoes for Spring, what am I making for dinner, need to put bananas on the grocery list, have to sell these raffle tickets for R’s preschool fundraiser, Thursday is pajama day, don’t forget to sign R up for swim lessons, have to reply to that email from the teacher, need to get stuff for their Easter baskets, T needs a bath tonight but the tub is filthy, need to plan R’s upcoming birthday” and on and on it goes.
And just writing that is making me anxious because these are legit things I have on my plate right now.
Do you ever feel like there’s just not enough time in the day?
That’s because there’s not!
We, as moms, have so much on our plates that goes beyond 9-5. And some of us are also working 9-5!
So here’s how I’m learning to cope with those days where I feel overwhelmed by the mom mental load.
Unload The Mental Load Of Motherhood
This might seem overly simple, but it’s a huge help.
When the mental load of motherhood is getting heavy and I feel like I’m drowning in extra things to do or remember, I simply:
Take the mental load out of my head.
I write everything down as it comes. Lists. Lots and lots of lists.
It seems like if I don’t write it down immediately, I forget. I seriously have the shortest memory. Or maybe it’s because a kid just interrupted my train of thought and asked for a snack. Or I went on my phone to shop for those Spring shorts and saw a text message from a friend wanting to do a play date, replied to it, and now I’m making a play date and have no freaking idea what that thing was that I needed to do.
So I go back to my list.
Lists help me stay organized and to not forget things when my mom brain is being pushed to the brink. And then I feel less overwhelmed and more in control.
Prioritize The Mom Mental Load
Some days when it feels like there are a zillion things to do, I also have to remind myself that it doesn’t all have to get done today.
I know what happens when I do try to be overly ambitious. I’m left completely exhausted at the end of the day.
But I can’t just do nothing. As moms, it’s not an option.
So, I ask myself, “What can wait and what HAS to get done today.”
Can we go one more day without washing towels? Can the kids skip bath tonight? Are there enough leftovers that I don’t have to cook?
Because I HAVE to get these other things done so I can take it off of my mental list. And I can’t do everything all in one day because I need balance to stay sane.
And I shouldn’t have to do it all. But they don’t call it the mom mental load for nothing.
So how can we get our husbands to share the load?
How To Explain The Mental Load To Husband And Ask For Help
Some husbands are truly clueless when it comes to the mental load of motherhood.
This is actually one of the many “luxuries” of being a dad.
Like how my 5 year old is playing in the living room where dad is literally right there on the couch, but he’ll walk right by him to come ask me in another room where his PAW Patrol Chase toy is at. Because moms know that Chase is still in the backpack from preschool Show-And-Tell along with their kids favorite sweatshirt and the raffle tickets the teacher told you in the morning they’d be sending home with your kid.
And dad doesn’t have a clue. Kids know this!
We are carrying so much information when it comes to our children.
It’s exhausting.
So how do we explain the mental load to our husbands?
We could start by sitting down and having an honest conversation about the uneven divide that falls upon moms.
All of the unseen things we are thinking about and doing daily as moms such as:
- Planning meals and making the grocery list
- Planning social activities
- Scheduling appointments (doctor, dentist, haircuts)
- Making birthdays and holidays magical
- Making travel plans (and ensuring kids have everything needed to travel)
- Managing family finances
- Having knowledge of school events and communicating with teachers
- Having a mental list of household products that are running low
These are just some of the things we are carrying that maybe husbands are oblivious to because it’s an invisible load.
And maybe dad isn’t going to suddenly know where everything is in the house like mom. But there are things that we can ask our husbands for support on. But this really starts with some willingness and trust.
I know some moms who don’t trust their husbands to do certain tasks let alone remember to do them. I’m so guilty of this 🙋♀️
Some of us also want things done a certain way. Also guilty.
But there are some things I hate doing that I’ve asked my husband to take over.
For example, I really don’t like making appointments that require a phone call. Trying to talk on the phone with two little kids around makes me want to procrastinate forever.
And since he’s in an office without children tugging at his shirt, it just makes more sense for him to be in charge of remembering and doing these phone tasks such as scheduling routine appointments for the doctor and the dentist.
But really, anything that can be done on his phone or the computer while he’s in the office, he can do much more quickly than I can.
Because I’m being interrupted every half a sentence as I write this on my phone and have three shopping cart tabs open from 2 weeks ago I haven’t finished. These “administrative” tasks take me forever so I’m handing some off to dad permanently.
Sports sign ups? Summer camp sign ups? Responding to teachers? I put it on dad’s load.
My husband has also taken over the responsibility to ensure we stay stocked on household supplies including toilet paper, paper towels, dishwasher tablets, garbage bags, etc. I no longer think about these things and only do the food planning.
What you put on your husband’s plate may look different for you. The important thing is to just start the conversation about which parts of the mental load of motherhood you need more support from your partner on.
And hopefully, he gets it. I feel very fortunate that mine is starting too.
If it helps to make your mental load more seen in your household, consider printing a planner that is visible to everyone (I like this busy mom planner from Etsy). This is great if you want to get older kids involved as well.
Everyone can see and write in the planner (like if you ate the last banana, it’s a rule that you MUST write it on the grocery list in the planner).
Yes, we’re still the ones making sure that XY and Z gets done, but at least this way everyone can be more aware and involved.
Take Care Of Yourself
As organized as you might be though, I know that I always feel the most overwhelmed when I haven’t had time to myself to “recharge my batteries”.
We are so busy making sure our kids are taken care of that we often forget to take care of ourselves. No wonder we get to a point of extreme burnout.
Personally, I have been terrible at taking care of myself since my second son was born two years ago. This year I have been making a more conscious effort to practice self-care so I don’t end up so stressed out.
Some days this just means taking a 15-30 min break alone in my room while the kids play with dad or letting them watch a little extra TV.
It also means making plans with friends. There’s nothing like drinking cocktails with your bestie to take the stress away! Even if it’s in your house while the kids are sleeping.
I’ve also taken up going for a walk most mornings before my husband starts work. Because if he gets to spend 30 minutes going to the bathroom right upon waking, I should get some me time too to clear the stress of the mental load before the day starts.
It definitely helps!
And if I’m really being honest, when I think about the mom mental load that’s going on in my head, I realize that none of those thoughts even have anything to do with ME and my well-being!
Like I’m worrying about how my kids don’t have shorts and shoes for Spring, but I’m wearing the same old worn out bra and tank tops from 3 years ago!
So I’m taking more moments for myself anywhere that I can and realizing the more I practice self-care, the better I’m able to carry the mental load of motherhood without going crazy.
It Isn’t Forever
One of the other things I do when I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the to-do’s of motherhood is think of the saying:
“The days are long but the years are short.”
And I remind myself that one day my kids won’t need me anymore the way that they do now.
And I will miss it.
My children give me purpose, and I’m so thankful for them.
Even when I feel like I can’t keep up.
So when the mental load of motherhood has you feeling like you’re going to lose it, give yourself a break because you’re doing great (and you deserve it!). And ask for more support if you need it.
Or, you know, just write a blog post ranting about it. 😜
Thanks for listening.
I’m off to buy that new bra… maybe.
Like this post? Pin it! 👇
One comment